Putin the Chimp

Studies have shown that chimpanzees are naturally violent and aggressive.

Humans share 98 percent of their DNA with chimps, making chimps the closest human relative.

Humans are also naturally violent and aggressive.

Truth be told and the issue thoroughly examined through a scientific lens, it would reveal that Russian President Vladimir Putin shares 100 percent of his DNA with naturally violent male chimps, like Putin the Chimp.

That precisely why, with his criminal invasion of Ukraine last month, Vladimir Putin ignited the Second Gombe Chimpanzee War.

The First Gombe Chimpanzee War took place in the Gombe National Park in Tanzania between 1974 and 1978.

Jane Goodall had been working with a tribe of chimps for nearly a decade in that national park. She witnessed a gradual splintering of the tribe. The group of separatists—consisting of six adult males, 3 adult females and their young—grew weary of the hard rule of Putin the Chimp. They left his tribe and created their own tribe known as the Kahama Tribe.

The tribe of Putin the Chimp, known as the Kasaketa Tribe, was left with 8 adult males, 12 adult females, and their young. Putin the Chimp brooded over the Kahamas for quite awhile, allowing his killer DNA and his war-mongering genes to ferment. He finally convinced the other Kasaketas that there were Nazis among the Kahamas who had to be eradicated.

Putin the himp got the other Kasaketa males together and told them they needed to invade the Kahama territory and kill off the Nazi leader. The males, mimicking their cousin human behavior, stood before the females picking their noses and scratching their asses convincing them that the invasion was a “peace-keeping mission” to save the Kahama females from brutal Nazi control.

The coward that he was, Putin the Chimp, along with his thuggish followers sneaked up on the male Kahama leader and killed him, literally tearing him apart.

Putin the Chimp, always plagued by human idiocy, believed the Kahamas, especially the females, would hail him as a “Putin the Great”—much like Katherine the Great.

Didn’t quite work out that way.

The Kahamas responded to the invasion of their territory with this,

“Fuck you Putin the Chimp and the rest of those shit-faced thugs you rode in with.”

That launched the four-year Gombe Chimpanzee War that ultimately led to the Kasaketas killing off all the Kahamas.

Drunk with the vodka of victory, Putin the Chimp decided to the Second Gombe Chimpanzee War by invading other chimp territories.

That Stalin-driven expansion prompted a Nato alliance of other chimp tribes to come together and defeat all the Kasaketas.

Chimp history did not record what happened to Putin the Chimp, but images of Benito Mussolini hanging by his feet in the small village of Giulino di Mezzegra un northern Italy  in 1945 comes to mind.

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